the Empty Cup

There is an emptiness within me right now.  My chest literally feels the loss.  I have started several blogs, only to be distracted and never to finish.  This is one.  I had half a sentence written.  I wish I could explain where this is coming from and why it takes but a thought to bring tears to my eyes.  Could this simply be loneliness?  I confess to being a very lonely person. Most of my life has been spent within friend-family groups; friends that become so close that they are more like family. At  my age you find friends either at work, church, through some gathering or club…etc.  I work from home.  Well, I work from Starbucks.

For my daughter’s well-being, we decided to put her in a summer Tae Kwon Do camp along with Fit Girls.  I will begin with the latter.  Fit Girls is a nutrition/reading/running program that Sarah Bush (local hospital) sponsors with the Mattoon Public Library.  It is an interesting combination.  Twice a week the group gets together at the Mattoon Public Library, first to discuss the pages they were to read from the chosen book.  This summer it is a book about a girl that lost a leg, but continued to do her favorite thing, which was running.

They also have a folder of worksheets concerning nutrition that they work on together.  This is about portion sizes, processed food vs. natural, etc. After their “class” they start running!  They are training for the 5K in Mattoon’s Run for the Bagel on July 23rd.  I love watching my baby girl work her butt off to do something that makes her so proud.  At the end of the session they always have some kind of healthy snack to share with the girls, just to give them an idea.

I believe we have decided (by we, I mean Bekah,) that she will go to Tae Kwon Do every day of the week if possible.  Right now she goes Tues./Thurs./Fri., 8am to 4pm.  It is not simply Tae Kwon Do.  OH no… they do a lot of different things including, but not limited to, games like kickball, dodgeball, etc.; they go to the park, swimming, crafts, some down time with movies (usually during lunch)… it is just an awesome camp.

How did I get here?  OH yeah, loneliness.  Well, I do not have my kiddo during the summer.  We still do things at night, on weekends, etc.  But we are not together all the time (which is a good thing, THAT we have learned).  What do I do?  Well, when she is at camp I am at Starbucks, it is just my place.  There has been a lot of turnover, obviously, in a college town.  Many of the barista’s have graduated and gone home, or to their new homes with their new jobs.  New people come in, and we “learn” each other.  

A friend, Nate, will be moving about 90 miles away to live & work a while… before he goes back home to Michigan.  I cannot really explain how much Bek & I will miss him.  He’s not just a friend, we steal his dog (Stanley) every once in a while to fulfill our need for a dog.  Now I’m not sure what we are going to do.  Much is changing.  Yet another good friend, Stevie, is now graduated and engaged!  Not sure if she and her fiancé are sticking around here, or if they have bigger, better things ahead.  Another friend, Chazz, finally came back from Cleveland.  Her (now husband) had a job there for six months; it was just too long to be apart.  So she transferred to a Sbux up there.  She came home married & pregnant!  It is so exciting.

I have adopted these people as my friends (whether they want to be, or not) and my family.  That does not mean that they spend any of their own time with me.  Stevie and Nate are the exceptions to that, but everyone else, it seems we are contained to this building.  That makes me sad.  It’s not like I have a lot of time to do things with them outside of work.  Maybe that is just an excuse.  I’m the middle-aged, single mom… most of these people are babies (early 20s).  Why on earth would they want to spend any time with me?  HA! 

So, why don’t I have a ton of friends from church?  Well, I do have friends from church, but none that want to do anything with me.  Once again, I’m the middle-aged, single mom.  I just do not fit.  I should be married, then I would fit.  I feel so alone.  I shouldn’t be expressing these feelings; I was taught to hold it all in.  You know, keep a good face on.  I do that with my pain; it is just too difficult to try to hide this pain too.

Just so you know, I am reading helpful books, digging deeper into the Word, and praying my heart out.  Currently my cup is empty and I am trying so very hard to fill it.  I know that I cannot do it on my own; I need Jesus and the Holy Spirit to help me fill my heart.  I do not doubt the sovereignty of God, therefore I know that this will not last forever.  I need to learn from it and move on to the next season.  I’m going to go back to one of the books I’m reading…haha, there are several.  This particular one is telling me that my singleness is a gift.  If I did not have a child I would completely agree; I would be able to do many things for the Kingdom.  As it is, I’m a mom.  Prayers appreciated…I’m a mess.

I hope & pray that all is well in your lives.  Praying for a friend that lost a family member recently in a motorcycle accident.  If you need prayers, just ask.  I certainly am not afraid of asking!  God bless.

~Cecelia