Woden’s day… the Squirrels have returned. • SCOTUS ulcers • General Update//

*Warning* Depression is discussed in this post – if you don’t want to read about that today, I get it. I hope to see you again soon.

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Hello my friends. I have not been able to focus on writing much lately; haven’t really been able to focus on anything at all. An overview of this update: I am working on creating an environment that is more conducive to productivity, however, I have had physical impediments to that plan. Having the kids every other weekend has offered my muscles nothing but pain. We also have squirrels that have invaded & are setting up their little town inside the walls behind my bed. In keeping up with the news, political & otherwise, my mental health has been less than great… today is a SCOTUS decision day, something which gives me a stress headache, muscle tightness, & (probably) an ulcer. (Though I have been eating much better – HelloFresh™ makes me a super chef!)

Dawn Of Desolation by: Cindy Vondran

I’ll begin by saying that Major Depressive Disorder isn’t anything to underestimate. Often in the good times of my life I have forgotten how difficult the dark times were; a protective action by my brain, I’m sure. I do not want to dwell in the darkness, but I need to explain where I am & where I am coming from – especially concerning depression, because I am very good at looking like everything is fine.

The truth is that I feel like a weighted blanket is over me all the time; as if I am walking in jello. I have to push through it to do anything & everything. In speaking with my doctor, we discussed increasing a medication & the possible side effects, which were shite (weight gain, sleepiness, etc.). Then we discussed genetic testing to see if I’m taking the right medication at all.

Alone, 01 by: AM FineArtPrints

Alone, 02 by: AM FineArtPrints

Alone, 03 by: AM FineArtPrints

Alone, 04 by: AM FineArtPrints

Alone, 05 by: AM FineArtPrints

Passive Aggressive Heatwave by: Mario Sanchez-Nevado

WHY DO WE NOT ALREADY TAKE A GENETIC TEST IN ORDER TO KNOW WHAT MEDICATIONS WE SHOULD & SHOULD NOT TAKE?

That seems like the obvious first step in the medication journey, instead of forcing patients to try each medication in their own personal drug trial. Why are we forced to be lab rats?
Of course, these are rhetorical questions as I understand the foundations of a capitalist society & the root of the issue, profit.
That being said, I was swabbed for the test & am awaiting results.

Tragedy, 1897
by: Gustav Klimt.

We have had my Boyo & Girly a couple times now, keeping to the ‘every other weekend’ schedule. My body is certainly screaming at me, particularly my shoulders; stretching isn’t helping, I desperately need physical therapy. Surprisingly, I have been able to take care of both kids, by myself, without much issue. Roegn isn’t much interested in spending time with them for different reasons; one of which is that the weekend are her days off & she wants to spend time with her friends (especially before she leaves for Oklahoma).

They’ll be back this weekend.

•My Boyo & Girly•

This morning I woke up to the wonderful sounds of construction inside the wall directly behind the headboard of my bed. Who is the cause of this raucous, roaring, ruckus?

Squirrels.

We have been invaded by neighborhood squirrels. 🐿️ They’re cute when I see them in the neighborhood & I certainly do not want to run them over with Zeus… but I don’t want them inside my walls. I’m currently looking for help with ‘critter – control’ but am coming up short with no one in our area. It’s quite frustrating.

Squirrel’s Night Out by: Will Bullas

Of course, I have been keeping up with the news, political & otherwise, every day. This has definitely deleteriously contributed to my mental health – but I think not paying attention would hurt my soul more than simply limiting my news intake.

There were a couple SCOTUS decisions today & another leaked decision concerning abortion. Below is the Strict Scrutiny podcast breaking down the decisions released today & the leaked decision.

With all that said, I will bid you a good evening. Looking forward to the Presidential Debate tomorrow night! I’ll be posting several Bingo Cards in case you’d like to play along with me.

Talk Soon,
Cecelia✌🏻🌊💙

Monday, again. Where’d the weekend go… eh? • depression is difficult/hard/exhausting/depressing (😖)

{pain} finally back to a 4 or thereabouts after suffering from having the kiddos. {sleep} 7h 8m – woke up at 5:55a

***TRIGGER WARNING*** This post discusses depression, internal monologue, & related issues. If speaking bluntly about these issues is a problem for you, no worries! Hopefully you’ll catch another of my posts that’s not so difficult; I completely understand & wish you the best. ✌🏻🌊💙 If you are experiencing depression or related issues & need someone to talk to, you can text or call 988 •••

Caturday • 27.April.24 • When reality sets in… 🥺

{pain} 4 • thankfully began stretching again today & can immediately feel the difference. {sleep} I don’t effin’ know & that pisses me off. Apple still has not fixed the issues with the last update.

Anatomy of Human Ear #1 by: TriFocal Communications

I went to the ENT (Ear, Nose, & Throat) doctor yesterday. She checked me out & said that she thinks two things are going on… one is my Eustachian tube not doing its job properly. Second, & probably more important, it seems as though I am clenching my jaw at night and possibly during the day as well.

Recall I have Trigeminal Neuralgia on both sides of my face, which makes it impossible to tell if I have an ear infection or if it’s just the pain from TN. I also have jaw pain from TN on the reg, therefore – I wouldn’t notice if I wake up clenching my jaw at night. (& I do wake up at 3am & 6am every freakin’ morning due to 🐈‍⬛). There are times when the pain from TN comes that I do clench my jaw as I massage it to get through the pain.

Divided by: Mario Sanchez Nevado

It takes time to process information, especially info that may point the finger at my mental health. I have been surviving Major Depressive Disorder for quite a bit this time. [It began in college & has come & go in phases through my life]. This last go-around probably began in November of 2021 when my daughter’s best friend died in a car accident. For two years I focused on her mental health & ignored how I was feeling.

I should have known better.

We Don’t Talk About That by: Raymond Delgado

Just like now – I should have realized that clenching my jaw at night & during the day off & on is a result of stress & reaction of my body to depression. It happened once before, I clenched my jaw so badly I thought I had TMJ. That followed a severe break-up & I was *surprise, surprise* severely depressed.

Please don’t misunderstand, I didn’t think I was ‘cured’, by no means; like I said, I’ve been here before. I understand that it’s all a process & what the process needs the most is ‘time’ with counseling & self-reflection & oftentimes medication.

It is incredibly frustrating.

Man With Face in a Vise Drawing by: CSA Images

If you’re in the same boat mentally, emotionally, please know that you’re not alone. There are many like us, who are surviving through the same muck & mire. Hopefully you too are going to counseling, perhaps with a psychologist & also a psychiatrist – maybe a therapist, mayb a group… if not, you can always text 988 if you find yourself in a dark place.

With that I say, talk soon.
Cecelia✌🏻🌊💙

Post Script: Some Caturday pics for you… with love, Lady Diana 🐈‍⬛🐾

Am I just deep in lazy, ‘rainy day’ blues… or is this serious?

{pain} 6 – mostly due to inactivity. I must get back into a good routine.

Snagged off Threads

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while you’ll know that I’ve been crawling my way out from Major Depressive Disorder ••• a path I have traversed before, beginning in college. I’m currently in therapy & on medication… yet I struggle. The journey of depression is rife with high highs & low lows… and when you find yourself stuck in a rut (same thing happening over & over, or simply just petrification) it seems overwhelming. What’s worse, if you have family or friends who are either enablers by nature, enduring depression themselves, or avoidance specialists, your behavior could be mirrored in others.

Depression by: Bildagentur-online/ohde/science Photo Library

For example, my daughter Roegn has also been struggling with depression for a few years now. We both are struggling with simply getting out of bed… let alone work, school, blog, podcast, etc. Often I think that if only one other person would join our efforts, perhaps that would ignite the fire beneath our arses. Perhaps I just need to get up myself, get going, & push my daughter to do the same. But that’s just so difficult at this moment.

The Tentacles of Major Depression by: MB Dallocchio

We are beginning a peer counseling group that will meet in person here in Casey, but also online if there’s a need. If you’re interested in peer counseling, which is best utilized in concert with your own therapy – as a building up of your support network.

You can email kafe.counseling@gmail.com with any questions. Hopefully we can build something beautiful.
🗣️Talk Soon,
Cecelia✌🏻🌊💙

No ADHD diagnosis for me! Then what the hell is wrong with me?

Fantastic Landscape With sad People by: Tetyana Snezhyk

Over the last year I have been in the process of a neurological assessment to determine whether or not I am yet another 40-something, female, undiagnosed with ADHD. Well, I’m not. I am, however, suffering through Major Depressive Disorder with a splash of Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I knew I was dealing with depression, just was not expecting the “Major” version and also did not realize I was anxious enough for an actual disorder label, but apparently I am.

Just send chocolate by: Long Shot

Per reexaminedepression.com, MDD is a highly diverse disorder characterized by episodes that can ebb and flow over time (as defined in the DSM-V). Fun fact, 21 million US adults aged >/ 18 years old experienced a major depressive episode in 2021, which we can’t really take stats from that year, but I digress.

Click to access mdd-infographic.pdf

I suppose I am going to have to get into my research on this so I may begin working on myself, rather than just focusing on my daughter. I often forget about taking care of myself, as I mentioned, especially if I need to focus on Rœgn (like, say the first year after her best friend died in a car accident). I am fully aware that one must first take care of oneself so that one may take care of others and whatnot. 😑 I’ll keep you updated, for sure. Talk Soon, Čęčęłįâ

Quickly, now… seriously.

I have a time limit today.  Bek has a doctor appointment in an hour; so I have about a half hour.  This season is terribly busy.  I have not been able to update this site, or Facebook for that matter.  There is too much to do to get a house ready to be empty for a couple weeks.  I’m not sure that is entirely logical, but it is true.  We will be leaving for Oklahoma at the end of this week.  We are very excited about seeing friends and family.

About the doctor appointment… we need your prayers.  My daughter, my child, my baby girl, is going in to see the doctor about depression.  I feel like a complete failure.  I cannot take care of my daughter well enough to keep her happy.  What nearly 11 year old child is depressed?  I know that many factors have come together in the last few years to come to this conclusion.  And it’s not really a conclusion, because this is certainly not the end.

This is a terribly personal issue.  I am embarrassed? I think?  I am certainly sad, hurt, and broken by this.  I have been depressed for such a long time.  Depression is a mean and angry opponent.  It also plays dirty.  I was depressed in high school for one silly reason; depressed in college after a relationship or two crumbled to pieces; depressed when I left college and became a “loser”… during my relationship with Bek’s dad I was depressed all of the time.  It did not take long for him to lie and cheat on me.  I thought I could not do any better.  

Depression caught up with me once again at 26 when I was diagnosed with DDD.  I lost my awesome job, lost my boyfriend, and was worried about the future.  Between my surgeries I was incredibly depressed because I was in such pain that I could not take care of my child.  I could not do anything.  After my second surgery I was depressed when I “woke up” from the narcotic haze of the previous ten months.  Supremely depressed when I looked in the mirror and realized I no longer recognized the person in the reflection.  

Pain is an interesting foe as well.  When pain and depression get together they are mean and they play dirty.  They both exacerbate each other.  It is a horrible, emotionally & physically painful process.  Let’s add the loneliness… the soul breaking loneliness that consumes a person.  Is it surprising that I label myself as completely “un-dateable”?  

So, obviously I understand depression.  Is it then my fault that she is experiencing this?  Obviously I have contributed to her depression in some// many? // ways.  I am taking most of the blame for this.  We will get through it.  We will work it out.  My #1 resolution in 2016 is to spend more QUALITY time with her.  In fact, one of my gifts to her at Christmas is one of those coupon books… i.e. [This coupon is good for one movie night with mom.] or [This coupon is good for one cooking lesson with mom.]  [This coupon is good for one hour of games with mom.]  That kind of stuff.

Please, let me know if you have ideas.  My heart is hurting, as in my chest feels as though it is being stepped on by an elephant.  And I love elephants.  One is trying to tell me that I need to be a better parent.

Hope & pray all of you are doing well.  Countdown to Christmas… yeah?  Don’t wait until the last minute.  That is just putting too much stress on yourself.

~Cecelia